All he could think about was that he had done it again. He had gone and done it again. What the hell was he thinking? It was one of those moments where he knew he wasn’t in control, it was Crane, but he wondered why the hell he couldn’t just go on and live some sort of normal cohabitation with the man who lived in his brain once a month. Instead, he seemed hellbent on destroying his core but, most of all, his psyche.
The man was absolutely insane, which seemed just about right. Jason thought he was out of his mind and when the man was in his mind? He felt downright psychotic. He was constantly hiding and lying about things to Jason, things that he realized that Jason wouldn’t remember because he wanted to ruin his life. There was nothing about sharing a body and a mind with an insane genius that Jason particularly cared for.
He had done the unthinkable, though. Jason was a man who thrived on the fears of others and trying desperately to psychoanalyze them. He wanted to understand why people feared the things that they did and he was utterly fascinated by it. He himself didn’t have many fears except for one. This one fear that lived and burned a hole in his memory, all those Christmas’ ago. He could still hear her gasp and shriek, appalled by the man in front of her. There was a distinct memory of feeling sick to his stomach that he wanted couldn’t shake because he couldn’t believe what he had done. Why did he hit her? It was a moment of blind rage, he lost control for a brief moment, all those years of being out of control at the hand of a woman and he hit her. Like a fucking coward. That was all he was, a fucking coward.
And Crane had gone and done it. He had lived out his worst nightmare again with a woman that Jason had grown quite fond of. He hit her and he didn’t feel any remorse. There was no sick feeling after he had done it, just a beast bubbling inside him wanting more, craving more, while an insignificant human wanted to mop and apologize for something that he shouldn’t have. She had gotten in his way, he had been pissed off after all. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so angry with her before the beast wouldn’t have struck. But was there was reason to be angry at all? That was still to be seen.
Then he had gone crazy, Jason pulling hard to gain the upper hand and Crane not allowing him any space to do so. The memories are foggy for Jason but he remembers screaming parents as Jason tore through a playground with a mask on, inhaling fear toxin before doing so. All he remembers is that he was seemingly drugged and out of his mind. That was all that he needed to remember to feel a sort of shame. Jason felt like his life was completely spinning out of control into this dark abyss and he wasn’t quite sure how to escape it.
He calls the only person that he knows understands this more than himself. His best friend would know exactly what to do and they decide to get the fuck out of Boston. It would be the only way that he would be able to live with himself is if he goes far away. He calls his assistant to cancel any appointments for the next two weeks, telling her he needs personal time but she’ll still be paid. At that point he doesn’t care about the lost money, as long as he gets the escape that he so desperately needs.
Any other calls or texts go completely unanswered because he can’t live with it. The shame that he feels is completely real and it feels worse than it did all those Christmas’ ago. That was an isolated incident, one moment in time that he knows he can’t possibly take back. This shame is from all of the months of lying and deceit. It was all of those times that he felt fucking crazy, drugging up on toxins that lived in his closet but only for the week of the month where Crane came out to play. Jason felt like he was slowly losing his grip on reality and he was so close to the edge that he wanted to jump off the cliff and not feel that numb feeling he felt when he had to struggle to remember what he had done.
He had done it. Even if it was Crane in control in the moment. His face was the one attached. In some corner of his mind, Crane was acting the way that he thought necessary for both of them. In a lot of ways this was also his fault too and that was what scared him the most. Jason’s grip on reality was slowly creeping away and when he did come back to Boston, whenever he decided that would be, it would be on his own terms. He wasn’t going to seek people out, he didn’t want to apologize because he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it just yet because he hadn’t come to terms to apologize and forgive himself. He didn’t deserve forgiveness for his sins.
No, he had to live with his sins. Forever.
The man was absolutely insane, which seemed just about right. Jason thought he was out of his mind and when the man was in his mind? He felt downright psychotic. He was constantly hiding and lying about things to Jason, things that he realized that Jason wouldn’t remember because he wanted to ruin his life. There was nothing about sharing a body and a mind with an insane genius that Jason particularly cared for.
He had done the unthinkable, though. Jason was a man who thrived on the fears of others and trying desperately to psychoanalyze them. He wanted to understand why people feared the things that they did and he was utterly fascinated by it. He himself didn’t have many fears except for one. This one fear that lived and burned a hole in his memory, all those Christmas’ ago. He could still hear her gasp and shriek, appalled by the man in front of her. There was a distinct memory of feeling sick to his stomach that he wanted couldn’t shake because he couldn’t believe what he had done. Why did he hit her? It was a moment of blind rage, he lost control for a brief moment, all those years of being out of control at the hand of a woman and he hit her. Like a fucking coward. That was all he was, a fucking coward.
And Crane had gone and done it. He had lived out his worst nightmare again with a woman that Jason had grown quite fond of. He hit her and he didn’t feel any remorse. There was no sick feeling after he had done it, just a beast bubbling inside him wanting more, craving more, while an insignificant human wanted to mop and apologize for something that he shouldn’t have. She had gotten in his way, he had been pissed off after all. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so angry with her before the beast wouldn’t have struck. But was there was reason to be angry at all? That was still to be seen.
Then he had gone crazy, Jason pulling hard to gain the upper hand and Crane not allowing him any space to do so. The memories are foggy for Jason but he remembers screaming parents as Jason tore through a playground with a mask on, inhaling fear toxin before doing so. All he remembers is that he was seemingly drugged and out of his mind. That was all that he needed to remember to feel a sort of shame. Jason felt like his life was completely spinning out of control into this dark abyss and he wasn’t quite sure how to escape it.
He calls the only person that he knows understands this more than himself. His best friend would know exactly what to do and they decide to get the fuck out of Boston. It would be the only way that he would be able to live with himself is if he goes far away. He calls his assistant to cancel any appointments for the next two weeks, telling her he needs personal time but she’ll still be paid. At that point he doesn’t care about the lost money, as long as he gets the escape that he so desperately needs.
Any other calls or texts go completely unanswered because he can’t live with it. The shame that he feels is completely real and it feels worse than it did all those Christmas’ ago. That was an isolated incident, one moment in time that he knows he can’t possibly take back. This shame is from all of the months of lying and deceit. It was all of those times that he felt fucking crazy, drugging up on toxins that lived in his closet but only for the week of the month where Crane came out to play. Jason felt like he was slowly losing his grip on reality and he was so close to the edge that he wanted to jump off the cliff and not feel that numb feeling he felt when he had to struggle to remember what he had done.
He had done it. Even if it was Crane in control in the moment. His face was the one attached. In some corner of his mind, Crane was acting the way that he thought necessary for both of them. In a lot of ways this was also his fault too and that was what scared him the most. Jason’s grip on reality was slowly creeping away and when he did come back to Boston, whenever he decided that would be, it would be on his own terms. He wasn’t going to seek people out, he didn’t want to apologize because he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it just yet because he hadn’t come to terms to apologize and forgive himself. He didn’t deserve forgiveness for his sins.
No, he had to live with his sins. Forever.